I've never not had a goal to work towards, even as a child I always had something to focus on, work that needed doing or something to study for. Without that, I've fallen back into a dark hole. Years of coping with depression mean I haven't quite hit the bottom yet. The higher meds, yoga, colouring and excessive sleeping will keep me afloat for a little while, but it's a dangerous state to be in. My mind likes to ponder on suicidal idealization at least once a day, my weight (this time) is piling on rather than dropping off. This sucks even more because the only positive of a bout of depression is the weight loss that comes with it. But yeah, I'm floating.
I got a part-time job for a while, kept me busy; distracted. But it was a short contract thing so that's no more. I'm on the job hunt again, but everyday job hunting is draining when you've just spent 3 years training for a job you can't have. What's even better is that i'm the only one in my friendship group who will not be embarking on their teaching journey this year.
I've been in and out of depression episodes for the last 8 years. But I call this one a relapse because it's different. It's this weight on my chest that turned up a few months ago. It's like that cold and flu tablets advert with the little monster, except instead of the weight disappearing after a few weeks of a depressive episode, this weight is here to stay for a lot longer. Ready to trigger a breakdown at the slightest thing.
I'll probably go back to my doctor, ask for stronger medication or something. I'm even considering counselling again which I never thought I would say. I know how to look after myself so I'll be ok. Floating just isn't for me.