Anxiety is an every day thing for me, but when it comes to being on placement, anxiety becomes constant and sometimes unbearable. Exactly not the mental state you want to be in when you have a class to teach. My last placement was beyond difficult for me, I was not expecting so much of a challenge and felt as though I did not have any support (I did). To cut a long story short, due to a poor relationship with a teacher, I was led to believe that I had failed the placement just half-way through. And because it's me and because of how my head works, I lost any drive to carry on, convinced myself I wasn't cut out for the career and lost myself in a depressive episode. I won't explain the details but it got to the point that I was willing to ask for medical support as I knew that I was in an unsafe state that I was unable to regain control of. My doctor was able to support me with a referral to a mental health team and medication, I quickly realised that I should have reached out much sooner. I pushed myself through the last weeks of placement, whilst being considered as someone who does 'the bare minimum', and just enjoyed building relationships with the class rather than my worth as a teacher. I later found out that I had passed every teachers' standard and that my observed lesson was seen as 'outstanding'. I was happy, but I was also angry, I was angry at the teacher for making me feel worthless and at my self for doubting how much work I put into everything about my degree. Long-term anxiety and depression is blowing up small incidents into irrational beliefs that are most likely not true.
