Anxiety on Placement

Anxiety is an every day thing for me, but when it comes to being on placement, anxiety becomes constant and sometimes unbearable. Exactly not the mental state you want to be in when you have a class to teach. My last placement was beyond difficult for me, I was not expecting so much of a challenge and felt as though I did not have any support (I did). To cut a long story short, due to a poor relationship with a teacher, I was led to believe that I had failed the placement just half-way through. And because it's me and because of how my head works, I lost any drive to carry on, convinced myself I wasn't cut out for the career and lost myself in a depressive episode. I won't explain the details but it got to the point that I was willing to ask for medical support as I knew that I was in an unsafe state that I was unable to regain control of. My doctor was able to support me with a referral to a mental health team and medication, I quickly realised that I should have reached out much sooner. I pushed myself through the last weeks of placement, whilst being considered as someone who does 'the bare minimum', and just enjoyed building relationships with the class rather than my worth as a teacher. I later found out that I had passed every teachers' standard and that my observed lesson was seen as 'outstanding'. I was happy, but I was also angry, I was angry at the teacher for making me feel worthless and at my self for doubting how much work I put into everything about my degree. Long-term anxiety and depression is blowing up small incidents into irrational beliefs that are most likely not true.

This week I've been introduced to my second year placement class in year one. The build up to this week wasn't the nicest, but I did my best to maintain a positive attitude. I was of course nervous on my first day, which I'm sure everyone was, but I was particularly scared of having a repeat of my previous placement. Some examples of things I struggle with because of anxiety include: maintaining eye contact, mumbling when I speak, speaking with new people, feeling as though i'm being judged when I'm most likely not, being late, wearing the wrong dress code and basically doing anything wrong. After just my first day at school, I quickly became aware that I was in a school surrounded by support and opportunities. I feel as though I have re-found my love for teaching and have definitely found a passion for working in KS1. It just goes to show how the attitude of a school and class teacher can have such a positive or negative impact on not only my health but also my success as a teacher. One thing I would love to be able to do is just state at the start of a placement is that I am struggling long-term, and ask if this be taken into consideration. Yet due to stigma, this is not something I feel comfortable to do. Particularly in the field of education, mental health symptoms are often seen as just traits of a poor teacher, I hope that one day this might change. Remind yourself that just because an adult might be older than you, or might be an authoritative figure, you should still be professionally respected in the same way that you might respect them. Be confident in your abilities and remember that you deserve as much respect as you give.